I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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