I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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