My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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