I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
ugly people sure do ruin things
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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