I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
