I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
