my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
