I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
