I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
