we're chasing vodka with high fives
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
