Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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