I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
