Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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