Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
