I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
