i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
