Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
