Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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