My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
