What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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