i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
