youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
