I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
