So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
