But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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