worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My vagina just clenched in fear
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
