i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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