he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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