I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
