If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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