Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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