Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
