Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
