I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
