If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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