Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
