she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
