and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
