im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
