A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
