She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
