I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
This is the high leading the old right now
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
