Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Don't EVER smell your tampon
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
