dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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