fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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