Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
