you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
