I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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