cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He's a Shit stain on my heart
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
