I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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