Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
